She Wouldn’t Have A Willy Or A Sam

I wrote this last year for FanLIb, just reread it and it’s pretty funny, if I do say so myself. It’s an online dating profile for Henry the 8th, based on the Shotime series The Tudors.

RoyalMatch.com

RoyalScepterofLoveVIII

Headline: She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam…

Age, height, and weight: determined by film, television, or portrait.

Career: Monarch of England, Ruler of Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. Full time.

Children: Not at home.

Relationship Status: Nearly Divorced

Income: Will tell you later.

Religion: Catholic… for the moment.

Drink: Yes, often, mead and wine

Smoke: Occasionally

Drugs: just the usual tinctures and a leaching here or there.

Last Good Book I Read: Lutheran Tracts by Martin Luther, The Game by Neil Strauss

Most Humbling Moment: Kings need never be humbled.

Best Lie I’ve Ever Told: Don’t bother about me.

If I Could be Anywhere Right Now I’d Be: I know it’s cliché, but there’s no where I’d rather be than where I am, except maybe lost in your eyes.

Celebrity I most resemble: People say Jonathan Rhys Meyers, but I don’t see it.

Favorite Music: Madrigals, Canticles, Choral Harmonics, The Kooks

Favorite Movies: The Lion in Winter, Henry V, Goodfellas

In My Refrigerator You will Find: that’s a kitchen appliance, right? I don’t do kitchens. Though I did have relations with a kitchen maid before I was King. But that’s neither here nor there.

In my bedroom you will find: a four-poster bed, candelabras, servants, guards.

Five things I can’t live without: hunting, wenches, political scheming, my ipod, and servants

About Me: As already stated, I’m the King of England, heir to the throne of the Tudors, ruler of Wales and Ireland, Laird of all Scotland. All of Europe bows before me. I enjoy hunting, riding, gaming, marrying, and making sure the Tudor name lives on for generations. I’m sensitive to my needs, and too the needs of others when it serves my purposes, which are therefore theirs, as I am their liege. I know who I am and what I am looking for from that special Lady.

About You: You are a fertile woman who feels certain she will bear me male heirs. You are able to conduct yourself with polish and aplomb, and should be equally comfortable in the company of Lords and the Clergy. Knowledge of music and the arts are always appreciated, and I like a maiden of narrow ankle who can dance the latest steps. Short of that, you are good looking, of age, and don’t mind a late afternoon game of “Ooooh. Where’s the King put the sausage roll?” Prudes and uggos need not apply.

Tags: henry the 8th, online dating, satire, tudors