You Could Have Knocked Me Over With An Art Star

There have been, thank God, some great moments waiting tables through the years, but last night was especially good. I was busying around the burger joint, went over to a new table, “Hi, how are ya, blah blah blah.”  The guy had a black sketch pad/journal on the table, with a painted cover.  I said, “Hey, that’s cool, is it  a Baseman?”  He looked at me and said, “I am Baseman.”  I was blown away, and apologized, but fawned shamelessly.

He gave me a postcard to a show in he’s doing in Barcelona, and like a dork i asked him to sign it, explaining that i never do that, and shit on actors, but he’s Gary Baseman.

Anyway I served the rest of their meal like a normal person.   Blah blah blah.  At the end of it, while chatting with his – date?  girlfriend?  wife?- he was sketching with his pen on his placemat/menu.  When he was done he gave it to me and signed it. It’s a nekid girl floating across the menu.

Aaaah!

How freaking cool is that?
I promised if he came back i’d fawn less.

Can I Show It To You?

So I don’t know how many of you remember a post from back in February, This One’s NC-17, but my neighbor is moving out.  He’s officially out end of the month, but he’s moving back East this Saturday.  I just came home and he came out into the hall as I was getting the mail, as is his wont.  He told me he was gone as of the weekend and asked if I wanted some booze and sundry items that he doesn’t want to ship.  I’m not a big drinker, but I took a cast iron skillet and some light bulbs.  I thanked him and told him if he felt like it to knock and say hi/bye before he left, if I’m around.

That was not enough.

He followed me down the hall to my apartment, hemming and hawing, and then said, so I was thinking, before I move away forever and never see you again… can I show it to you?  There was a moment of dis-ease.  Sorry?  I asked, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.  Um, he said, well, I just would be sad if I moved away and you never saw it.  I know you said this one time you were outside a bar and this drunk guy showed you his and I want to show you mine.  At this point I knew where this was going, but once agian was in shock and disbelief (for as savvy as I am, you’d think I’d get it together in these moments, but I’m so busy trying not to shame anyone).  So what are we talking about, specifically?  I asked.  I want to show you my penis, he finally said.  Oh.  Well.

Now it was my turn to hem and haw.  Again, I never want to make anyone feel bad about their sexual proclivities.  Well, I asked, is it important to you?  I am an idiot.  He stressed once again that he really wanted to show me his penis and suggested that now would be a good time for him. I explained I had a call to make and now didn’t work for me.  Then he had the gall to say that he’d just given me a fifty dollar skillet, which I promptly offered to return.  He walked away dejected, leaving me with the skillet, but saying he’d knock to see if I’m around later in the week.

Looks like I’ll be laying low until Saturday.

Only In Los Angeles

Two great, “Low Cal” moments this weekend (credit to Greg Proops for calling Southern Cally “Low Cal”). The first was captured by J.Parker, friend and confidant. Not bad for a phone photo:

I don’t know if you can tell, it’s a woman driving a Smart Car, with a Mastiff in the backseat; oh, and the Mastiff is wearing goggles.

The other great Hollywood mo: I received a menu in the mail for a Thai joint up on Hollywood Blvd. Often a menu will have a quotation on it, something positive lifted from a review; this one’s quotation read:

“An Excellent Dining Experience” – Stephen J. Cannell, Stephen Cannell Productions

For those who’ve forgotten, Cannell wrote/produced A Team (and wrote the script for the upcoming film), 21 Jump Street, and The Rockford Files, among others, which obviously gives him the culinary expertise necessary to recommend restaurants. So LA.

This One’s NC-17

Have you ever been asked a question that makes you wonder how people perceive you? “Did this person just ask me this because I seem open minded, kind, and non-judgmental or because they think I’m deviant?”

I left my apartment yesterday (I was going to get a haircut) and my neighbor came out of his at the same time. We stopped and chatted by the mail boxes.

I must interject, at this point, that I don’t know him well at all. He moved in probably a year ago, we’ve made small talk. It has occured to me in the past that he has a little crush on me – he’s asked me to have drinks, etc – but he’s a kid (mid 20’s at most) and has a girl friend, who seems as straight and normal as he does. Okay, back to the story.

How’ve you been… Haven’t seen you recently… What are you doing for the Super Bowl… boring neighbor small talk. Then we’re outside and walking up the street together, toward our respective cars. He says, “I’ve been on Craig’s List all morning trying to find someone to help me with something.”
I responded: “Okay, enigmatic.”
He said: “You might actually know someone who could help me.”
Me: “What do you need?”
Him: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”